walking into the rain

i feel like its going to rain. like i'm going to get off that plane and the tears will not stop rolling. i've told others at church and such that we're going home because my grandpa's not doing well. dry eyed, i almost felt heartless. we're basically going to say final goodbyes. but how do you say goodbye to someone who isn't gone yet? and how is it that i'm supposed to do this without balling the whole way through?

i never got to say goodbye to my grandma. it still feels like a void even though i've settled on the fact that its just how it went, nothing i can do but remember her for the wonderful woman she was. she used to squeeze my butt every time we hugged. i remember being so embarassed sometimes. now i just wish i could hug her again... so i'm glad for an opportunity to change the process with grandpa. glad to be able to tie ends off. feel like i got a chance to tell him i love him just one last time. i just cling to the hope that reminds me heaven will not hold moments like this. moments that include balled up tissues and a heart so pained its almost palpable. God is so good isn't he?

the only way to prep for this trip is to remember the good. i love grandpa. so stoic and composed, yet he melts at the sight of grandchildren, the feel of warm hugs and the joy of "stolen" cookies ;) his uncanny ability to transform any commn word into two things: something you will never be able to repeat with clarity and at the same time, a moment you will never be able to forget. this could possibly stem from his love of crosswords ;) he has an unbelievably, intelligent mind for many things and can bring great beauty from a simple piece of wood. and he loved my grandma. like nothing else, she stole his heart and has held it ever since. even after her death, his heart is hers. i love that about him. he is faithful, kind and true to who he is whether it pleases others or not. and he's my grandpa. nothing beats a hug from him or his homecooked mac and cheese. yumm. i love being his "mouse". yep, i'm going home. going home to remember the things i love about him. that way, when i ball my eyes out, it will be because i'm happy to have had this moment to say goodbye...

me