how long?

tonight as i was talking to my mom i realized something about myself. i keep putting Jesus off. i let Him affect my life as much as i want to, but no further. i let Him be in my life as much as i can tolerate, but no more than is necessary to call me a Christian. so how long will it be, i ask, until i let him fully in?

we have all heard about giving God your whole heart, dirty little closets and all, but how many times do we put the bars up and even send a guard dog to protect those areas barred from the love of God? i have faults. i know, crazy huh? yeah right. i am angry, impatient, uncompromising and brutally honest. i watch movies i should not, taking in the violence and lewdness of those movies as if it is something i am "OLD ENOUGH" to handle. i read my bible as soon as my bum hits the pew and not a moment sooner. i can tell you all the answers, the "right" ones, what God says in His word about life, death, salvation and his mercy, but it doesn't mean i understand them in their fullest extent. all of this time that God has put into my life and what is it that i give him back?! dragging feet, petty excuses and a poor example of what it means to be saved.

so back to my question... how long until i fully let Jesus in? how long until i am ready to leave these worldly temptations behind so that i can be ready to meet him in the clouds when he comes? i guess all i know right now is that it should be today. in the big things, the small things, every step of the way. i need to heed that still small voice that so many times is hushed to barely a whisper by the ways of this world. today. not tomorrow. tomorrow is not guaranteed. just as God says not to worry about tomorrow, we should also not count on it because we do not know if it is ours to have. God loves me, yes, but i have a choice to make. a choice that i have to make today. i choose Him.

smiles