i used to think...

isn't that a great title. makes you believe some fabulous comment will be following shortly. a wise bit of knowledge. and then the delay gets longer and longer, until finally, you realize that the wisdom must be your own to provide. there will be no second helpings.

i do have an end to that thought, however. i will not leave you hanging. satisfied? well, that is up to you. but, hanging? no. so here is the end to the beginning.

"i used to think... but then i gave up entirely"

if you are like me, you have found that what you once thought about life, people, your surroundings and inevitably yourself, is a forever changing canvas. it grows and changes, bulges at the seams and pants for lack of fresh aire as the events both add and take away from the beautiful scenery you call your life. while sitting in church today, i caught a glimpse of my "canvas", forever changed and very unlike my youthful view. i saw Bubs sitting down the row, two seats away throwing a fit.

now this is not unusual. for those of you who know him personally, you might even chuckle at this sentiment. for in him i have found the greatest chance for my mothering capabilities to grow and flourish. and like many times today, to quietly exit the room without any pomp and stance *cough* and even very little ado. he is definitely "something". a rare jewel to be treasured. i often calm myself by remembering that some day those traits he has lassoed with such skill will come in handy as he leads and conquers the battles for Jesus Christ. he will be a true warrior. until then, the task is mine to guide and tame his strong-willed nature, bull-headed approach and catastrophically rambunctious tendencies so he learns the tender truths of respect, love and authority. this is where my canvas has changed.

before i became a parent. more pointedly before i became Bubs' mommy, i had my world in tow on a small string of happy thoughts. my oldest, Lil' Man has yet to pull my strings so taught as this little love of mine. let me paint the picture for you. my world before Bubs had me thinking that God's gift to me was kindness, an appreciation for others that encapsulated all scenarios, even the nitty-gritty-grimy ones. now this may seem like bragging, but it genuinely is not. i LOVED people. i thought i was patient, generous and never one to hoard the good that i had, i wanted to share. at this point i was sure that Jesus had given me a nature that he wanted me to share with others. but never have i seen this "gift" as anything but good until i had Bubs. let me just say i have found those moments where my patience runs raw, my fuse becomes lit and my kindness is buried beneath the "ahhh, are you kidding me?? i am so sorry, ma'am... please excuse us sir's and was that really my child???" it is clear after this consideration, that even those talents God has given, are easy prey to re-evaluation when put under the greatest duress.

in short, we all have room to grow. just when we think we have it all figured out we find a new shoot that grows wild and is in need of the "great pruner". and this is why i'm protesting thinking. do not think you've got it all figured out, you will be sadly disappointed. instead know that Jesus loves you and is daily working for a better you as you put your trust in Him. i've learned that life will be all that much happier, with fewer let-downs to discourage us. fewer "Bubs" to show us that we are anything but perfect. here's to being a step ahead of the game. bring it.